Lorie Moreno

Ways to support A Parent Whose Baby Has Died

The following information has been gathered by bereaved parents, friends, and professionals.  Here are some ways to better acknowledge the death of a baby and communicate with the parents experiencing grief.

The First Encounter....

   Say "I'm sorry"

If you can't find the right words, it is better to say, "I'm sorry," than nothing at all.

    Avoid Cliches like

"Everything happens for a reason"

"Thank goodness you are young, you can still have more children."

"There must have been something wrong with the baby."

"I understand how you feel."  (unless you have had an experience to share)

"It was meant to be"

"You have an angle in heaven."

"At least you didn't get to know the baby."

"You are so strong, I could never handle this".

"At least you have children at home."

"God would never give you more than you can handle".

What may seem comforting to you may be very hurtful to others.  Cliches tend to minimize the loss and the emotions a parent has toward their baby.

Apologize for Hurtful comments

If you do say something insensitive, acknowledge it and aplogize.  These comments can cause hurt and future resentment.

In the first few weeks....

Ask and Listen.  Ask sincerely "How are you?" and be ready to listen.  They may have a lot to say and may repeat their story many times.   In order to be helpful to their grieving process, you must be willing to listen.  Sometimes parents can verbilize what they need, so you know what you can do or say to comfort them.  You can also add, "I've been thinking of you" or "I've been praying for you," if either is appropriate to the situation.

Don't Forget Dad

Fathers and mothers grieve differently.  Dads may not talk about the baby as much.   Men tend to go back to work sooner and seem to reclaim their lives faster, but that does not mean that they are not grieving.  Let them open up to you if they need to talk.

Avoid Giving Advise

Everyone is an individual and grieves differently.  There are no rules that define how a bereaved parent should feel or how soon he or she will return to the norms of daily life.  Giving parnets premission to grieve their own way can be healing.

In the following months & years...

The parents of a baby who has died will need more time to grieve than society allows.  The average intense grief period is 18 to 24 months.   Parents will go through ups and downs during that time.  The future hold many milestones that will be missed, such as first steps, the first day of kindergarden, toothless grins, or a sweet sixteen.  These milestones may bring tears to the parents yet may have disappeared to others.  Acknowledge a parent's grief and remember them.

Open Communication

Bereaved parents need a safe person and/or place to talk about their baby and the feelings they are experiencing.  They need to be heard without being judged or receiving unwanted advise.  Allow the parents to talk openly about the pregnancy, the birth, and any future plans or dreams they may be missing.

Remember Special Dates

Grieving parents may be saddened by special events or dates (birthdays, due date, delivery date, Mother's & Father's Day, holidays) because they are a reminder their baby is not here.  These days may be difficult without their baby, and parents need your support at these times.

Showing You Care In the Workplace...

During and after the loss of a baby, the workplace can be a confusing and difficult place to grieve.  The key to maintaining good working relations is to have open communication.

What you need to know:

Parents of a baby who died need adequate time off and need a plan of action for returning.  Mothers, especially, need appropriate time to recover and heal.   Some parents need to return part-time and some can return full-time.

Try to help parents maintain a normalcy at work.  Ask them to lunch, or sincerely ask how they are doing.

Grief can make a normal day of work unbearable.  Employees and employers can try to alleviate feelings of being overwhelmed by either delegating or sharing job responsibilies.

It may or may not be appropriate to share emotional issues in public at work.  Discuss what is appropriate, and understand that grief is a normal process that takes time to work through.

Crying, having difficult days, feeling confused, or having trouble concentrating is normal for grieving parnets. 

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